Ladies, if you're single and wishing you were married, this is for you! Victorya Michaels Rogers' newest book, The Automatic 2nd Date is full of tips and suggestions for women who would like to be married, but just don't seem to be able to find that special guy. So much of what she says is going to make you just go, "Yeah, why didn't I think of that? It makes perfect sense!"
But speaking as a people pleaser myself, who has always been ready to compromise--go along to get along--Victorya is speaking to me, too, ladies. I'm not single; I'm not looking; I'm a happily married woman. But when she talks about teaching others about how to treat you--by the way YOU act, I am tuned in and listening with both ears! I WANT people to treat me well. I want to be valued. I got much more out of this book than just how to get that all-important second date.
Well, here's the great news: girlfriends, are you listening, too? I have a copy to GIVE AWAY! Leave me a comment--it'd be fun if you leave a date story...you know, best date, worst date, something... But whether you do or whether you don't have a date story you want to share, leave a comment with your contact info and I'll do a drawing and give it away! I'll draw a name Tuesday the 26th and send this to one lucky winner!
But I'm going to quit blathering because you prolly want to hear from Victorya sometime today! She says:
Okay singles over 40, especially single moms over 40, there is hope for you to find the love of your life! Dating at this time of your life may seem completely foreign, depressing and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve written my latest book just for you ladies to teach you easy-to-learn dating skills sure to make dating exciting, even fun again. Tweak a few of your dating skills and your next first date will not only see the real you, you’ll also compel him to automatically call you back for an automatic 2nd date!
~Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author The Automatic 2nd Date
Here are some questions I got to ask her.
Your new book offers a unique dating approach. Why focus so much on getting a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: If you can’t get past the first date, you won’t be booking a honeymoon anytime soon. The sad thing is ladies who would really be great catches are just blowing it and scaring their dates away by making silly, careless mistakes on their first dates—like talking too much, obsessing on exes, talking about marriage, calling the guy before or after the first date. If they just tweak a few of their dating behaviors, they can transform their dating life without changing who they are! If these secrets become a habit, you can stop stressing about first dates and focus on your man and deciding if HE is the great catch and worth your time. When you do that, 2nd dates become automatic.
You say every woman has an internal “Male GPS.” What is it and how do we use it?
VICTORYA: Available men are everywhere -- at the drive-thru, at work, at school, at church, at restaurants, at the mall, the gas station, sporting events, etc. You just have to know what you’re looking for and believe he exists. The Male GPS –male global positioning satellite—is in your mind. Your mind is an extremely power instrument that is always working and wants to be right! We’re just bombarded with so much information constantly that you have to focus to notice. When you think about something enough, amazingly it seems to begin appearing everywhere you go. Let’s talk cars as an example. If you want that new blue Honda SUV, of course you believe it exists and it’s on your mind so it suddenly stands out every time one drives by. Just like thinking of your next car, think about what kind of guy you want.
The key to finding your next 1st date begins with your mind. You can instantly turn on your internal MALE GPS by figuring out specifically what you’re looking for in a guy, visualizing a man with those traits and believing he exists.
You say the three-second flirt is a great way to get noticed. How does it work?
Indeed flirting is the easiest and non-assertive way to get noticed. So FLIRT with that man that makes your heart beat race! I have a lot of dating tips in The Automatic 2nd Date. One of them is to make sure you catch his eye. Next time you find someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze for three seconds. Eye contact is huge and the duration is relevant! Next time you’re in a “target rich environment of potential dates, slowly scan the room with calm, soft eyes, resting your eyes briefly on any man who captures your attention, then casually glance for a bare ring finger. If the finger is bare, lock into a gaze for your three-second flirt... Add a slight smile or grin, and then casually look away. You can repeat it several times to get your point across if you’d like. Just realize that any longer than 5 second glance at a time borders creepy. And you don’t want that. Try out this 3 second flirt, even if your palms are sweating. You’ll not only build up your confidence, you’ll even get results!
What’s wrong with accepting last minute dates?
VICTORYA: The first 2 dates is when you establish how you expect to be treated without telling him how you want to be treated! If he calls you at the last minute, say something like “I’d love to, but I’ve just got something else going. How about a rain check?’ I don’t care if you’re home doing your laundry. He doesn’t need to know. You’re just not available at the last minute. By this, you’re establishing that you’re worth calling early and you’re worth paying money for a date (even if they’re only buying you coffee). They’re making an effort to spend money on you, because they want to spend quality time with you.”
In Automatic 2nd Date you mention “Mirroring.” What is “mirroring” and does it really work? Wouldn’t your date figure out what you’re doing?
VICTORYA: If you really want to connect on that first date and quickly get on his wavelength, then you’ll want to master the art of mirroring your date. Mirroring is simply copying or mimicking your date’s tone, mood, pace, and even the position in which he sits (i.e., if he’s sitting back, you sit back; if he has his hands on the table, place your hands on the table). Mimicking his body-language is so subtle that your date probably won’t notice, yet he’ll find himself comfortable with you and want to see you again. The truth is that when two people really connect, the mirroring happens automatically. You’re just jump starting your connection by mirroring him deliberately.
Are there any definite “First Date Don’ts” to ensure a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: Oh my, there are definitely some First Date Don’ts! 1st dates are about holding back. Use RESTAINT and self control across the board if you want your first date to become a 2nd date. That goes for whatever you say and whatever you do. Here are my top 7 Don’ts for First Dates.
--Don’t dress sleazy
--Don’t talk too much
--Don’t go off on past relationships
--Don’t reveal hatred for the male species
--Don’t expose enormous debt
--Don’t tell him he’s THE ONE
--Don’t put out on that first date!
The first date is over. Now what? Does The Automatic 2nd Date offer advice on what to do AFTER the date? Such as can you call or text your date the next day to thank him?
VICTORYA: When the first date is over, just relax and go on with your life, no matter how much you are into your new man. Do NOT call or text your date before he contacts you! Sure you can and should thank him at the end of the date, but no need for a follow-up thank you unless HE sends you a thank you gift. (Even if your romantic date was as incredible as a ride in a helicopter to see the lights of downtown, it is in your best interest NOT to call him the next day. If he’s treating you like that, you certainly don’t want to scare him away by chasing HIM.
How does a confident single gal survive a dateless Valentine’s Day or any regular “date night” for that matter?
VICTORYA: Aw yes, a “romantic holiday” still fresh on our minds. There are great ways to spend a dateless Valentines or traditional “date night” that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping! Here are 4 quick tips:
1. On Valentine’s Day you have permission to do something to spoil yourself a little. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Get a French manicure or new hairstyle, color or cut; indulge in a massage or facial, or buy yourself SOMETHING just for you--just don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
2. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around?
3. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce on what did and didn’t work in your previous love life. Share funny dating stories, dating horror stories and warm fuzzy dating stories. In the very least you’ll have a good laugh with your girlfriends. End the evening by having each girlfriend write out exactly what you definitely want in your ideal mate, that way you’ll recognize him when he shows up!
4. My last solo Valentine idea is to grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movie theatre. Out now is a favorite of mine 27 DRESSES. There’s also Fool’s Gold. If you don’t want a “chick flick” there are plenty of other selections at the theatre. A solo night is the perfect night for escapism.
Thanks for these insights to dating. Where can our audience get your book as well as more dating tips?
VICTORYA: Thanks for having me. Yes, my website has a lot of additional tips and advice for single women! Check it out-- it’s http://www.mantokeep.com/. You can also order my books and learn about my coaching program. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and take risks. There is so much information I’d love to impart to you to make dating less anxiety filled, so feel free to visit my site anytime and/or check out my book The Automatic 2nd Date.
~Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author of The Automatic 2nd Date