Monday, April 28, 2008

too soon to say goodbye

The words, "I'm sorry," are not adequate. Not in the least. Not when a child has taken his own life. But somehow, they are the only words we can think of to say.

A child nearly grown, already a man, ready to graduate, poised at the starting block of the rest of his now gone...forever. I want to shout, "Wait! I wanted to tell you again how much I appreciated your help!" I still wanted to say, "You're a great guy. I like you a lot. You are so thoughtful." Too late...much too late.

I'm so sorry. My tears still run without warning, and my chest still aches. My tears are for him, being alone, thinking that this was the answer to his pain. Who can know the unspoken grief that exists within another?

My pain is for his parents, too. What mother thinks that she will outlive her own child? What parent wants to? Oh, Lord, I know that you grieve with them. Bring them your comfort and your peace.

What mother could possibly imagine, as she bathes her infant son, that in seventeen short years he could be gone? What father, watching his son grow, could fathom that his growth would be stopped short, his potential unrealized, his dreams unfulfilled?

My sorrow is also for his siblings, his extended family, and his friends. His presence was lively. His smile was remarkable. How can we adjust to him being gone? It's unfathomable. His loss leaves a hole in the middle of our hearts.

My grief is sharp, quick, cutting. I don't know his parents, but I could have been them. It could have happened. I am grateful for my babies. My babies, grown into young men and women. I will hug them a little more tightly tonight.

I still have no words, other than to say, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." The words seem so insufficient, so incapable of conveying the anguish in my heart.

He had a good heart, a quick smile, and a willing hand to help. He was loved by many. He will be deeply missed.

1 comment:

Smellyann said...

Oh, my. I am so sorry.